Every trade has its own dialect. Removals has one of the richest, largely because the job involves telling people bad news about their furniture while remaining professionally cheerful. Here is what the phrases mean.
“That’s a bit awkward.” It will not fit. He knows it will not fit. He has known since he saw the stairs. He is giving you a moment to arrive at the conclusion yourself.
“We’ll have a go.” It definitely will not fit, but he is going to attempt it anyway because the alternative is a conversation about a window removal.
“Is that coming?” Please say no.
“Ooh, that’s solid.” This is oak, it weighs more than a person, and someone is going to feel it in their lower back on Thursday.
“Where’s it going?” Not a question about the room. A question about whether you have decided, because forty percent of customers have not decided and this becomes his problem in eleven minutes.
“Have you got a key for that?” The wardrobe is locked, the key is in a box, the box is in the van, and the van is being loaded wardrobe-first.
“That’s not going in the van like that.” It is going in the van, but only after being partially disassembled by someone who did not budget time for disassembly.
On timing
“We’re about forty minutes away.” Ninety.
“This’ll be a quick one.” He has looked at the flat and not at the loft.
“We’ll be done by three.” He will be done by three. You will still be finding things at nine.
“Just the small stuff left.” There is never just the small stuff left. Small stuff is a state of mind.
On your possessions
“Bit of a collector, are you?” You own too many books and everybody knows it.
“You’ll be glad to see the back of some of this.” He has formed opinions about your exercise bike.
“Nice bit of kit, that.” Genuinely a compliment. Removal men are unexpectedly appreciative of good tools and well-made furniture, and if he says this, the item is actually good.
“Someone’s been busy.” You did not start packing until last night. He can tell. Everyone can tell. The tape is on wrong.
On the destination
“Access alright at the other end?” He is asking about parking. He is always asking about parking. Parking is the single largest variable in his day and you have not thought about it once.
“Anyone in?” If the answer is no, this becomes a very different job and possibly a very different invoice.
“You not got a lift?” There was a lift on the listing photographs. The lift is out of service. The lift is always out of service.
On the bits that go wrong
“That was there before.” It was not there before.
“That’ll polish out.” It will not polish out.
“These things happen.” A thing has happened.
“We’ll sort you out.” Genuine. Removal firms are, in fairness, mostly quite good about damage, provided you tell them before they drive away rather than eleven days later.
On what happens next
“Do you want this in the garage or the house?” The correct answer is neither, because you have thirty percent more possessions than the new place has room for, and you knew this when you signed.
“You could always put some of it away somewhere.” This is the moment he mentions that the firm does moving and storage together, and it lands as a suggestion rather than a sales pitch because he has just carried your sideboard up two flights and has earned the right to make an observation.
He is also correct. The stuff you cannot place on day one is the stuff you will not place on day two hundred.
The one he never says
“Is that everything?”
He will not ask this. Asking this invites the loft.
Bonus: your own phrases, translated
“I’ve mostly packed.” Two boxes and an intention.
“It’s not that heavy.” You have not lifted it.
“There’s not much in the loft.” There is a Christmas tree, four suitcases, a cot, and something from 2011 you cannot identify.
“I’ll do the rest later.” You will not.
